Christopher Titus: In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. Christopher Titus: My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. Christopher Titus: A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. Christopher Titus: Dad can score new tail in three minutes. Juanita Titus: [yelling at Ken in a bar] I want a divorce! Ken Titus: [turning to the woman sitting next to him] Hi. Ken Titus: Tommy, this is Clyde. He knows how to squeeze a ball! Christopher Titus: I was raised by Ken Titus. I can see BS through eight miles of led enforced concrete through a blizzard and... hey, where are you going? [repeated line] Erin Fitzpatrick: Hey you! Erin Fitzpatrick: Hey! Car drive not work me, everything think that solves you? Christopher Titus: Something from me hiding you are? Christopher Titus: Dad, you know, she can't work in a place like that. You should've done something. Ken Titus: All right, how much? Christopher Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell outta there. Ken Titus: Numbnuts. How much money do you want to keep her from working there? Christopher Titus: Numbnuts? Ken Titus: Erin is not gonna work in that bar. I don't wanna have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Ken Titus: Three grand? Christopher Titus: What? Ken Titus: Five grand? Christopher Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But, my girlfriend makes you self-consious about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of a sudden you're willing to fork over five grand. Well you know something Dad? I'll take it! [Titus ruins Erin's therapy session when he finds out she used him] Erin Fitzpatrick: [seeing his family] Hey, I didn't know they were watching, I thought it was just my class! Christopher Titus: Oh, so it's all right to gut me emotionally in front of strangers, huh? Erin Fitzpatrick:
Oh my God... but we had a breakthrough, and you still trust me, right?
Christopher Titus: Yeah - hope you get an A... [He leaves] Erin Fitzpatrick: Christopher...! Dave Titus: Erin, there's glass - don't hurt your feet! [Cut to black-and-white screen] Christopher Titus: No one's really happy. And until therapists realize that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a necessary part of existence, the sooner they will realise that their use is COMPLETELY WORTHLESS! No - they have WORTH DEFICIT DISORDER! [Switches off the bulb] [Erin and Titus are seeing a therapist, while the rest of the family is watching them, hidden by a one-way glass panel. Erin has finally gotten Titus to confess he trusts her] Christopher Titus: [crying] You're right, I do trust you, I do! Ken Titus: Wussy! Erin Fitzpatrick: It's OK, Christopher, it's OK, we trust each other now, and it's all OK. Christopher Titus: Come on, let's make out on the shrink's desk! [Everybody rushes for the panel for a better look... ] Christopher Titus: Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy. [flashback] Ken Titus: I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time, your dog got hit by a truck this morning! Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory! Christopher Titus (age 5): Dad, what's gay? Ken Titus: Son... gay... is when, two men... make God cry! [Tommy is delivering a baby after everybody refuses to do so] Tommy Shafter: Oh yeah, you can all talk, but when push comes to shove, who's the man, huh? [He looks at the woman, and passes out. His head falls on the woman's thighs. Everybody stares] Ken Titus: Tommy's head in a woman's crotch. I never thought I'd see that. Christopher Titus: Yeah, he's right. Dave, take a picture. [Later, when Tommy comes around... ] Tommy Shafter: [groggy] Hey Titus, I had the strangest dream... I dreamt I was stuffing a turkey and I passed out with my hands inside it... [a hung-over Ken comes around in a houseboat decorated for Christmas... ] Ken Titus: Crap, I died and went to a Mexican restaurant! [Titus is encased in a block of ice - the result of trying to teach Dave independence and self-reliance... ] Christopher Titus: The truth HURTS. [Mumbles unintelligible sentences and an expletive that was deleted] Christopher Titus: DAVE! Christopher Titus:
Dad, I'm not going to Vegas. I have a great woman at home who takes her clothes off.
Dave Titus: You have a stripper at home? Christopher Titus: *Erin*! Dave Titus: Well, when I get to your house... [He removes some dollars and gives them to Titus ] Dave Titus: ...I want a good seat, my man! Christopher Titus: Do you WANT me to kill you? Dave Titus: Well, no. Christopher Titus: THEN GET IN THE CAR! [Spending Christmas at a houseboat, the gang plays a trick on Ken, but he forgives them] Erin Fitzpatrick: That was nice of your father to let us stay behind on the houseboat... [They turn and see the boat is sinking... ] Christopher Titus: I knew it, I knew it! [Everybody panics] Dave Titus: I'm not supposed to swim for another half-hour! Amy Fitzpatrick: What do you guys do for Easter, kill rabbits? Christopher Titus: It's OK, it's OK, and now, I am very relieved! [He takes a seat and starts bawling "Oh Christmas Tree," while the tree in question catches fire] Ken Titus: Hey, Stevie Jr. Where's your dad? Isn't he working tonight? Steve: He's in rehab. Ken Titus: Rehab? Well, you tell him from me that Ken Titus said he's a wussy! [Repeated line] Ken Titus: Wussy! Christopher Titus: Marriage is sacred, my dad said marriage is sacred, AAAHHHH! Erin Fitzpatrick: [decorating a Christmas tree] Hey look Mr Titus, we're spreading Christmas cheer! Ken Titus: Ho Ho Ho! [He throws his cigarette butt on the tree. It catches fire, and he walks away] Ken Titus: My head is perfectly proportionate to my body! Amy Fitzpatrick: Yeah, if you were in a Peanuts cartoon! Christopher Titus: Dave once got so high, he actually remembered being born! Christopher Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds. Ken Titus: You're right. I do. Christopher Titus: See, you're doing it right now! Ken Titus: No, I'm not. Christopher Titus: Yes, you are. Ken Titus: All right, I am. Christopher Titus: Stop it! [running into a police station] Christopher Titus: Uh, excuse me. Christopher Titus; my brother's been arrested. Steve: Who's your brother? [Chris shakes Steve's hand] Christopher Titus: You must be new he
re. Ken Titus: Where the hell is Billy, Joey, and Dan? Steve: Well, Billy retired and Joey retired and Dan... blew his brains out. Ken Titus: Retired? They're my age! [about his girlfriend, Erin] Christopher Titus: When we first got together, Dad thought the relationship was a *huge* mistake. Ken Titus: [in flashback] I think this relationship is a huge mistake. Take it from a guy who's been married a *lot*. You'll regret the day you ever moved in together. You are in for a nightmare! [cut to show he's talking to Erin] Christopher Titus: Oh, I cannot believe Dave. What did he do this time? Steve: Grand theft. Christopher Titus: Grand theft? That's a real crime. Steve: [with heavy sarcasm] And this is a *real* police station. Ken Titus: And your brother is a real criminal. [Chris nonverbally communicates to Erin that Ken had him and Dave thrown in jail] Ken Titus: He's lying. Ken Titus: All right! All right! You can move back in. But it's going to cost you a hundred bucks a month. Dave Titus: Fine! Fine! But I want my room painted! Ken Titus: Agreed. You buy the paint and you paint it. Dave Titus: You watch me! Officer Charlie Regan: Excuse me, Mr. Titus. Are you sure this is your VCR? Ken Titus: Damn straight! Officer Charlie Regan: We found half an ounce of marijuana in it. Dave Titus: Yeah, that's his piece of crap VCR. But the pot is mine! Christopher Titus: Erin has a special relationship with my father. She makes it possible for him and I to communicate. I mean without her, I'd be talking about him instead of to him. [angrily] Christopher Titus: Thanks honey, nice! Christopher Titus: Dave, please listen to your inside voice right now. Dave Titus: What's it saying? Christopher Titus: Shut the hell up and get your stuff! Dave Titus: Well, my inside voice is rude! Ken Titus: What's the hurry. Your 15 kids will still be waiting for you when you get home! Castro: [sarcastic] Si, señor. But I have to go feed the donkey. Put on a big sombrero and go sleep underneath a tree. You racist Irish drunk. Ken Titus: That's my kind of Mexican! Christopher Titus: [after being called whitey] All right, we're on for a thousand. Presuming I'm whitey.
: I thought I was whitey! Christopher Titus: Dave. [slaps Dave's head] Castro: You're whitey, ese! Ari: I thought I was ese! Castro: David! [slaps David's head] Christopher Titus: Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them! Ken Titus: Oh, great. How much is this going to cost me? Christopher Titus (age 5): I want my mommy back! Ken Titus: $40? Christopher Titus (age 5): OK! Christopher Titus: Dad! What are you doing here? Ken Titus: I'm just here to make sure that Tommy's new girlfriend doesn't have an Adam's apple. [repeated line] Christopher Titus: What? Christopher Titus: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house / Not a creature was stirring, except the psycho bitch on the couch. / I looked pleadingly to my girl, her face fury red / While visions of me and the Doublemint twins danced in her head. / With bile in my throat and no help in sight, I puy on a smile and my sphincter got tight. / "This is Rudolph," I thought, and turned to argue my case, / but I must've had a "what's your problem, bitch" look, 'cause she punched me in the face. / I picked up her $300 Pradas, the left and right shoe, / and into the street, both shoes I threw. / Out the front door she went, in hot pursuit, / Yeah, this girl would chase a designer label like a fat guy after a Valor jogging suit. / In fear for my life, I locked up the place, / I turned my attention to Rudolph and wished I had mace. / When all of the sudden, there arose such a clatter... / I sprang from my couch to see what was the matter. / I grabbed the chord and opened the blinds... and there was Noelle, quite out of her mind. / My heart stopped, frozen with fear / as she tapped on the glass with a vodka bottle... filled just 'bout to here. / I knew the window couldn't much take it, / and she was screaming "Unlock it, you bastard, or I swear I'll break it!" / I couldn't let her do that, it was a rented place, / so I opened the door... and she punched me in the face! / So summoning my manhood, from bottom to top... / I screamed like a little girl, "I'm calling the cops!" / I just finished dialing and she was standing right there / wearing pearls and those pradas, but otherwise bare. / She spoke not a word, but went straight to a work / reeling me in with that "you're my big daddy" smirk. / I heard her exclaim as she turned out the light... / "You know this is your fault. I love you too much to fight." Christopher Titus: What do you mean, "Dad is dead"? Dave Titus: I think... dad is dead! Christopher Titus: Not a lot of gray area here, Dave. Dead? Not dead? Is there a pulse? Dave Titus: I don't know. Christopher Titus: I have taken half a day off work. There better be a corpse! I mean... what makes you think he's dead? Dave Titus:
He's been in his room for four days now.
Christopher Titus: Right, and? Dave Titus: Without getting a beer. Christopher Titus: Oh, my God. Ken: I don't go straight for the ten. I go for the six and drink 'til she's an eight! Christopher Titus: My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. He especially liked this one [imitating a sad person] Christopher Titus: The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. Christopher Titus: The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick. Christopher Titus: The normal make a living, the deranged make history. [about his mother] Christopher Titus: Without her it would still be legal in this state to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. Christopher Titus: Dad, are you speaking or are your gonads? Ken Titus: Right now they have power of attorney. [explaining his affair with a waitress] Christopher Titus: She said 'Want some pie?' I didn't know it was a metaphor! [Ken is about to pick up a hitchhiker] Christopher Titus: C'mon, dad, it's one A.M. in the middle of the desert! She's either a werewolf or an alien! Ken Titus: Well, maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants! Christopher Titus: Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty - mmm mmm." Christopher Titus: Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'. Christopher Titus: My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that! Christopher Titus: Girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, a chick came up with that. Ken Titus: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club. You put a twenty in your zipper and back out slowly. [Christopher, Dave, and Tommy have just watched a man fall to his death from jumping off a bridge] Dave: His helmet fell off. Christopher Titus: He wasn't wearing one. [Tommy faints] Ken "Papa" Titus: Tuck and roll, wussy! Christopher Titus:
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Young Tommy: I don't think you should hit that bee hive! Young Chris: Don't worry, the bee hive is nature's pinata! Olay! [seeing a man with a rifle at a gun store] Christopher Titus (age 5): I want a gun, Dad. Ken Titus: You don't need a gun, son. The men in our family have penises. Erin Fitzpatrick: Ok, nurse-feratu. Tommy Shafter: Titus, if I die, please get the porn from under my bed before my mom cleans out my room. And also, if you look at it, keep an open mind. Ken Titus: Tommy's not a fruit, but he hangs out in the orchard. Erin Fitzpatrick: You let a car fall on him. I still don't know what that's about. Ken Titus: Now he knows cars are heavy. [preparing to kidnap his son] Ken Titus: I pull it off, or I spend my life in Detroit in prison. Which is redundant. Tommy Shafter: Oh, good, your mom checks her answering machine. Christopher Titus: Yes, and she also checks under her bed for dust bunnies because they talk to her! Ken Titus: Don't be a Wussy! Christopher Titus: Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat. Christopher Titus: I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke. Christopher Titus: My dads all I've ever had. When i was 3 and 4 my mom use to take me to bars, i understand why now, babysitter cost beer, beer in-a-half an hour. Christopher Titus: Kain slew Able... oh happy happy Kain Christopher Titus: Every woman that has ever loved my dad has tried killing him. Erin Fitzpatrick: What's funny about that? Christopher Titus: Laughter, abosulte terror, fine line. Dave: Now that is J-ello with a capital "O". Dave Titus: I... can't... feel... my toes. I'll be with Jesus soon. Dave Titus: Lord, if you let me live, I'll never watch 'The Sound of Music' in that way ever again. [the Police have Dave handcuffed] Police Officer:
We found this guy outside hiding in a bush.
Dave: Tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed! Christopher Titus: Dave! Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... Pot. [at a self-help seminar, Dave is bawling his eyes out] Dave: [through tears] I... don't know what you... want from... me! Christopher Titus: I want you to tell me what you want. Dave: But I told you... What I want. I... Wanna... Get bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers! Christopher Titus: I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. Christopher Titus: Tommy, What are you, Dave? Dave Titus: YEAH, ya dumbass! Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light! Christopher Titus: He was laughing because YOU were trying to get into Heaven! Christopher Titus: In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can! Ken: You are a Son of a Bitch! Christopher Titus: My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.' Dave: You got me a joint as a going away present? Christopher Titus: Smoke it on the bus, Dave! Tommy Shafter: War-Cry! Ken: Tommy, you know, I've made jokes about you being gay... Seriously. Think about it. Ken: Tommy, meet Clive. He knows how to squeeze a ball. Nancy: I'll call 411 and get the number for 911! Dave: She's panicking. I'll call 411 and get the number for 911. Ken: You knew and you let them shave me? Christopher Titus: I knew and I *got* them to shave you! Erin: So, I'm at the board meeting and my secretary runs in. 'Your boyfriend called, they've got a hostage. I swear that I am a lesbian, and excuse myself to the bathroom. I've been peeing for forty minutes! Christopher Titus: A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief." Christopher Titus:
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus: If Dad's gay, then look up, because Jesus is a'comin'. Christopher Titus: You said that I was the worst possible result of an orgasm! Ken Titus: You took that as an insult? [after Perry bursts into the house] Fay Shafter: Perry! Erin Fitzpatrick: Mr. Shafter! Tommy Shafter: Dad! Ken Titus: Homo! Christopher Titus: My mom is crazy. I don't mean "My mom is craaazy!" I mean "We the jury find the defendant..." She was diagnosed a manic-depressive, schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility. Or, as Dad so eloquently put it... Ken Titus: Son, your mom is shacked up in the whacko basket. Christopher Titus: Listen, my niece has been living with us for 3 months, and she is my responsibility, if some bully is harassing her, I'm gonna do something about it! I hate bullies! Tommy Shafter: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat! Christopher Titus: Yeah, what's you point? Amy Fitzpatrick: Chew my boob, homo. Tommy Shafter: Whip it out. Jerry October: HO-FO-DO-MO! Christopher Titus: Oh-my-God-no! [Tommy is lying on Titus's porch] Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch. Tommy Shafter: [from the porch] I'm not gay! Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt! [repeated line] Tommy Shafter: I'm not gay! Tommy Shafter: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus? Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with? Tommy Shafter: I'm not gay. Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew. Ken Titus: You're being too hard on yourself, son. Christopher Titus: "Son"? Tommy Shafter: "Too hard on yourself"? Dave: "Being"? Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me! Christopher Titus: Hi, dad. Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag! [on an island resort, Ken wins in blackjack] Black Dealer: 21. Ken Titus: Will you look at that. First time a black man ever gave me money!
: [nervously] Ha, ha, ha. Dad, remember, island, far from airport, no way to escape. [after being smacked in the head repeatedly with a lunchbox, by Dave, while seated on an airplane] Christopher Titus: All right! What the hell's with the lunchbox? Dave: Oh, um, yeah. I put your mom's ashes in it. See, it keeps your cool mom cool and your hot mom hot! And... and there's also a snack pack pudding in here to surprise her. Christopher Titus: Dave, she's past pudding, hence the ability to fit her into a lunchbox. [inside a police station] Tommy Shafter: Dave's been arrested? Oh great, did they find his marijuana plants? Christopher Titus: What does it say on the back of that jacket? Tommy Shafter: It says "Titus High Performance." Christopher Titus: Are you Titus? Are you Performance? Are you *high*? Christopher Titus: It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point. Christopher Titus: It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point. Christopher Titus: Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings. Tommy Shafter: [Tommy's car is being robbed, the carjacker shouts "Get out of the car!", Tommy shoots the carjacker] Get out of the street! Christopher Titus: Bag boys would be more courteous. Ken Titus: [Ken is at the supermarket and shoots the clerk] It's canned goods first, then bagged goods! Christopher Titus: And people in general would just be a lot friendlier. Erin Fitzpatrick: [shooting a guy at the bank] No cuts! Christopher Titus: I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die! Ken Titus: Shut up, fruit! Tommy Shafter: Well, you say that, but what you really mean is... Ken Titus: [interrupting] Shut up, fruit! Christopher Titus: It turns out that near-death experiences make Erin... *hot*! Ken Titus: You know, you shouldn't put the jack under the fender like that. Christopher Titus: I know how to change a tire. Ur. [Ken Titus kicks the jack out from the car, which falls on top of Chris] Ken Titus: Now, what did we learn today? Christopher Titus: Cars are heavy. Ken Titus: Ur.
: Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. Dave Titus: I decided what I'm going to do with my life. I joined the Army. Chris Titus: Okay, Dave, one question. *WHY*? Dave Titus: "I'm getting married in five days." Lies, lies, lies! Jerry October: You must be Ken Titus, I'm Jerry October, welcome to "Life Forward", where people discover what holds them back in life. Ken Titus: All these people have kids? [repeated line] [to Ken] Juanita Titus: You ruined my life, you bastard! Christopher Titus: Fifteen years I have chosen *not* to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it. Christopher Titus: For 15 years, I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at it. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it. Christopher Titus: Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. [cries] Christopher Titus: I was there, man! How many more people gotta die? Christopher Titus: Every man remembers the day he left the nest and went out on his own. Actually, I don't because I was wasted! Tommy Shafter: Great, another party I wasn't invited to. Christopher Titus: Don't step in the blood! Dave Titus: Yeah, I'm standing up to Dad! Christopher Titus: You're standing up to his truck! Christopher Titus: Rock on! Rock on! Rock on! Ken Titus: Rock off! Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my 8 track! [the 8 track player is thrown at Ken] Ken Titus: Duck, boy! Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my cassette deck! [the cassette deck is thrown at Ken] Ken Titus: Duck, boy! Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my CD player! [the CD player is thrown at Ken] Christopher Titus: Yeah! [Titus gets hit with the CD player] Ken Titus: What? Do I always have to say "Duck, boy"? [repeated line] Ken Titus: Heaven is missing its most beautiful angel. [repeated line] Ken Titus:
You're worse than the last one!
Christopher Titus: Pfft, math. Who needs it? I spent my time in school memorizing things I could use. Like The California State Mental Health Code Requirement For The Declaration Of Commitment Of A Loved One, which is as follows: 1. Causing harm to others. [shows Juanita hitting Ken in the head with a frying pan] Christopher Titus: 2. Causing harm to self. [shows Juanita shaving a large chunk of her hair off] Christopher Titus: 3. Threatening to kill yourself or someone else. [shows Ken being chased down the freeway] Ken Titus: You're late! This car's a piece of crap. Where did you get it anyways? It looks like an old man's car! I'll be inside. And park it around back! Christopher Titus: Dave, the cell phone is from both of us, OK? Christopher Titus: [title card reads: "Marijuana task force cam"] Dave, when are you moving out? Dave: After the harvest. Christopher Titus: According to the Los Angeles Times, 63% of families in America are now considered dysfunctional. That means that I'm in the majority. It's the people with the mom, dad, brother, sister, white picket fence, those people are the *freaks*! Christopher Titus: There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*! Christopher Titus: After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there? Tommy Shafter: [while they are being shot at] I never got to sleep with Erin. [pause, awkward stares] Tommy Shafter: I have thoughts! Christopher Titus: Shoulda taken that one to the grave! Ken Titus: Erin is a keeper. She's the kind of woman you could maybe spend six or seven years with. Christopher Titus: Erin! Erin Fitzpatrick: Tommy! Tommy Shafter: Erin! Christopher Titus: Tommy! Tommy Shafter: Erin! Erin Fitzpatrick: Tommy! Dave Titus: Dave! Christopher Titus, Erin Fitzpatrick, Tommy Shafter: Dave! Dave Titus: Thank you. Tommy Shafter: It's Amy! Well, well someone's turning into a woman. Amy Fitzpatrick: Yeah, and I'm looking at her! Christopher Titus:
Dad, you're safe here, you're among friends, okay? I just want you to know that I give you my - my love and my forgiveness.
Ken Titus: Great. I'll put that in my tool shed with all the other crap I don't use. Christopher Titus (age 5): Dad, teacher said we can be anything we wanted to be. Ken Titus: She wasn't talking to you son. Now, go in the backyard and practice digging some holes. Christopher Titus: You got arrested for drunk driving and it's my fault? Ken Titus: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut! Ken Titus: This fruity, freaky pick-up you built me! It got me arrested! Christopher Titus: What? Tommy Shafter: Mr. Titus, calm down. Ken Titus: Shut up, I'm talking to my moron! Christopher Titus: "Moron?" Tommy Shafter: "Shut up"? Dave Titus: "I'm"? Christopher Titus: Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"! Erin Fitzpatrick: Listen, I'm moving back with my parents. And I'm going to grow my hair really large and my nails really long! Ken Titus: Don't try to make me hot. Michael: Erin's coming home with us. You got a problem with that? I'd be more than happy to Duke your Earl! Christopher Titus: [sarcastically] Oh no, I better protect my Earl! Tommy Shafter: Yeah, by shamalamming your ding dong! Michael: He is talking about fighting, right? Christopher Titus: Probably not. [Tommy has mistaken Titus' instructions about running into an old girlfriend] Tommy Shafter: You said make it look like an accident. Christopher Titus: Not a *car* accident! Who are you? Dave? Dave Titus: Yeah, dumb ass. Christopher Titus: Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song. Tommy Shafter: [dressed as a clown on Amy's birthday] Hallo, Amy, it's your day-my! Amy Fitzpatrick: Couldn't you just have sent me a fruit basket? [bursting into a hung-over Chris' room] Ken Titus: You wanna tell me why my car is parked at such an odd angle on the porch across the street? Christopher Titus:
If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
Christopher Titus: Dave has his moments. In fact, if you let Dave hit on a typewriter for, like a thousand years, he would eventually type the word monkey. In fact, he would only type the word monkey. That's his favourite word. Christopher Titus: Erin is a caretaker. She takes care of everything. Stray dogs, stray cats, stray fishes. I don't know were she gets them. Christopher Titus: Erin starts every morning by saying the word happy ten times. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, pfft, urk! Erin (Age 5): Mommy, smoking causes cancer. Erins Mom: Mommy wants cancer, honey. Because of your daddy. Erin (Age 5): Happy, happy, happy happy... Ken Titus: What'd you bring me, fruit? Tommy Shafter: No, too much sugar in fruit. Ken Titus: No, I'm calling *you* a fruit! Ken Titus: Are you not getting this? Geez! I thought Asi-Entals were supposed to be smart! Nancy: We are, I just love the way he thinks *round eye!* Ken Titus: [laughs hysterically] Round eye... [realizes he's been ridiculed] [Ken reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus, in which Titus was naked] Tommy Shafter: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of the dream! Christopher Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot? Tommy Shafter: You were a pirate. [Titus moans in disgust] Ken Titus: You'd better swim for the lighthouse, laddie, the fog is rolling in! Ken Titus: Did you boys just hear a fog-horn? Christopher Titus: Dad thought you could get through anything if you just "quit being a wussy!" You could get your arm ripped off; Dad would find the arm, get some packing tape and... strap it back on. Tommy Shafter: I *nailed* your sister! Christopher Titus: [smugly] That's great, but there's something you should remember: you also nailed *his* daughter. [points to Ken behind Tommy] [while Chris and Dave argue] Erin Fitzpatrick: This never goes anywhere. Christopher Titus: That's because you always interrupt it. Dave Titus: Touch your *own* nose! Christopher Titus: [explaining to his mother] Erin is in there. And between the two of us we have only two personalities. Oh, except when I get to be the lucky burglar. Christopher Titus (age 5): Look Dad, I'm gonna be an astronaut. Ken Titus:
Oh yeah? Good. 'Cause my beer is weightless. Why don't you launch over to planet refrigerator and get me another one.
Christopher Titus: Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.